I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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