the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
