Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
