i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Jerry, you need to find god
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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