I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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