Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
