im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I need to stop coming to work sober
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
