I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
