The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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