I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
