Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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