bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
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