I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
