she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
