I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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