marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
