a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
