There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
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I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
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Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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