I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Randomize
