Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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