she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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