I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
