She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
