I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
