So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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