Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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