i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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