So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
