you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
