when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
