I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
