Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
