I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
