Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
