I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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