Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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