addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
