rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
