Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
