OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
It's Friday. Sex?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
