When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
the day after is always just damage control
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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