Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Randomize
