Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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