your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
