Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Randomize
