I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
