jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
