I'm pants shitting drunk right now
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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