After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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