I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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