We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
