I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just blew my weed a kiss
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
