I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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