did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
