Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
