woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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