tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I did not marry a roomba.
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