Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
