He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
