if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
